Had suicidal thoughts till 25 years of age, says AR Rahman
Mumbai, Nov 4 : Before the country recognised the talent of AR Rahman, the celebrated composer says there was a phase in his life where he felt like a failure and thought about ending his life almost every day.
The Oscar-winning composer says the initial low phase of his career eventually helped him emerge braver.
"Up until 25, I used to think about suicide. Most of us feel they are not good enough. Because I lost my father, there was this void... There were so many things happening.
"(But) that in a way made me more fearless. Death is a permanent thing for everyone. Since everything created has an expiry date, so why be afraid of anything?" Rahman told PTI.
The turnaround for the 51-year-old composer came when he built his recording studio Panchathan Record Inn in his backyard in hometown Chennai.
"Before that, things were dormant so may be it (the feeling) manifested then. Because of my father's death and the way he was working, I didn't do many movies. I got 35 movies and I did two.
"Everyone wondered 'How are you going to survive? You have everything, grab it.' I was 25 then. I couldn't do that. It's like eating everything. You become numb. So even if you eat small meals, make it fulfilling," he adds.
The composer talks about hard times and other events in his life in "Notes of a Dream: The Authorized Biography of AR Rahman".
Written by author Krishna Trilok, the biography, in association with Landmark and Penguin Random House, was launched here, Saturday.
Rahman was nine when his father RK Shekhar, who was film-score composer, passed away and the family had to rent out his musical equipment to get by. Rahman, thus, took to music at a very young age.
"I finished everything between the age of 12 to 22. It was boring for me to do all the normal stuff. I didn't want to do it," he says.
In his 20s, before he made his debut as a composer with Mani Ratnam's "Roja" (1992), Rahman along with his family embraced Sufi Islam.
He reinvented himself by letting go not only the baggage from the past, but also his birth name - Dileep Kumar, which he says, he despised.
"I never liked my original name Dileep Kumar. I don't even know why I hated it. I felt it didn't match my personality. I wanted to become another person. I felt like that would define and change my whole (being). I wanted to get rid of all the past luggage," he says.
With "Roja", Rahman shot to instant fame as the wonder kid in the industry, who changed the grammar of music and sounds.
But creating music is not a lonely process for the musician as much as it is "internal".
"You manifest who you are and let it out. So when you are ideating on your mental drawing book, you need a lot of self-analysis and you have to dive deep within you.
"You need to listen to yourself. It's hard to listen to your inner side. But once you do, you have to let lose and forget yourself," he adds.
It was for this reason, Rahman says, that he works only during late nights or early mornings.
"If I am going deep inside something and suddenly there's a knock on the door, I'll come to reality from a very different world and I won't be able to go back to the same spot again. This is one of the reasons I prefer (being at work) very early mornings like 5 AM or 6 AM or the nights," he says.
Rahman says the most important thing for him is not to feel bored and constantly try to do something new; be it professionally or personally.
"You feel jaded if you do the same thing. You need to find different things to do. For me travelling, parenting and spending time with my family though I can't do that much is beautiful. It helps a lot."
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UT with dual power structure 'worst form of govt', says Omar Abdullah
Srinagar (PTI): Terming the current administrative structure in Jammu and Kashmir the “worst form of government”, Chief Minister Omar Abdullah has called for an urgent shift toward full statehood while acknowledging that significant progress has been made in narrowing differences with the Centre over the transaction of business rules.
The chief minister also hit out at vested interests making efforts to create a political wedge between Jammu and Srinagar, saying “they have failed and they will continue to fail”, and highlighted the restoration of the traditional biannual shift of the capital known as ‘Darbar Move’ as a vital bridge in narrowing the emotional divide between the two regions.
Speaking with PTI, Abdullah argued that the logic behind treating a territory with 90 elected legislators on par with smaller regions like Puducherry, which has only 30, remains incomprehensible, and reiterated his earlier stand that a dual power system where two power structures exist is a "recipe for disaster”.
“Can you not see the difference between a tiny one with 30 MLAs and one with 90 MLAs? And you still believe that this current system is beneficial to Jammu and Kashmir after everything that happened last year?” the chief minister asked while referring to the Pahalgham tragedy, pointing out that keeping elected representatives out of the law and order situation was doing no good.
He specifically noted that the size and scale of Jammu and Kashmir demand a governance model where the elected representatives are fully responsible for administration.
“I continue to maintain that view. I continue to believe that a system of Union territory with an assembly is by far the worst form of government that you can come up with,” Abdullah told PTI here recently.
The chief minister highlighted that several key institutions, including universities, the Sher-e-Kashmir Institute of Medical Sciences, and the Power Development Corporation, should have automatically come under the domain of the elected government.
“I am not even arguing on the central services, law and order, and police. As a Union territory, those are automatically within the domain of the unelected government. But these were institutions that were previously the responsibility of the elected government. And they should be,” Abdullah said.
Despite these friction points, Abdullah expressed optimism, stating that his government and the Government of India are close to reaching an agreement on the rules of business and that a formal proposal for the appointment of a new advocate general has finally been dispatched to the appropriate authorities.
“Again, as I said, we have made significant progress on these issues,” he said.
On the long-standing issue of summary dismissals of government employees without judicial inquiry, Abdullah described the process as arbitrary, opaque and unlikely to withstand judicial scrutiny.
This practice did not originate with the current lieutenant governor's administration but was initiated during the previous BJP-PDP coalition government, he said.
“Look, everyone has the right to prove their innocence. For some reason, these employees were not given that opportunity. And I have no doubt that going ahead, many of these people will return to government service on the back of relief from the court.
“We will not be able to defend the dismissal of these employees in the courts. It will happen, you mark my words, because the process is arbitrary. The process is opaque. There is no clarity and transparency in the process. Ultimately, we will not be able to bear up to judicial scrutiny," he said.
Referring to the promises made by his party, the National Conference, Abdullah detailed the operationalisation of his poll promises, including 200 units of free electricity and six free cooking gas cylinders for the poorest households, underlining that power subsidy is being provided to the poorest of the poor.
He argued that anyone above the poverty line should pay market rates for electricity to ensure that state resources are prioritised for the most vulnerable.
“Rich people shouldn't even be getting subsidised electricity. If I could, though obviously I can't do it in a single stroke, I would like to remove subsidised electricity from all these rich people.
“Anybody above BPL (Below Poverty Line) should not be paying subsidised rates for electricity. They should pay the market rate,” he said.
Beyond direct welfare, Abdullah highlighted the restoration of the ‘Darbar Move’ and the introduction of free education and bus travel for women as key milestones in his 20-month-old administration.
Speaking on the composite culture of J-K, Abdullah said the traditional biannual shift of the capital has allowed a new generation of employees from Jammu, who had never worked in the Valley before, to bond with their Kashmiri counterparts.
“The distance between Jammu and Kashmir has reduced to a great extent,” Abdullah said, adding that the two regions historically come together during times of adversity, whether after natural disasters or security crises.
Replying to a query on Kashmiri Pandits who migrated to various camps in Jammu, Abdullah said the question needs to be asked of the BJP as to why they are still in camps.
“Please ask the BJP how many more elections do they want to exploit their (Kashmiri Pandits’) votes before actually doing something to bring them back,” Abdullah said.
Terming the migration “deeply unfortunate”, Abdullah said, “We want those who left in the late 80s, early 90s, to come back. I have always maintained that they left because their sense of security was snatched away. They will come back only when that sense of security is restored. And we have not been able to do that so far.”
Crediting former prime minister Manmohan Singh for building the Jagti township in Jammu for migrants and creating a job quota for them, Abdullah said that nothing more has been done for the community since then.
To a question on dynastic politics following the recent defeat of M K Stalin in Tamil Nadu, Abdullah dismissed the idea that the defeat of established leaders is a verdict on their lineage, and argued that belonging to a political family only "opens a door" but does not guarantee a seat at the table.
“What keeps it open is your own performance,” Abdullah said, pointing out that even non-dynastic leaders like Mamata Banerjee faced electoral setbacks.
He also dismissed rumours of an imminent Cabinet reshuffle in J-K as “absolute lies”.
