Had suicidal thoughts till 25 years of age, says AR Rahman
Mumbai, Nov 4 : Before the country recognised the talent of AR Rahman, the celebrated composer says there was a phase in his life where he felt like a failure and thought about ending his life almost every day.
The Oscar-winning composer says the initial low phase of his career eventually helped him emerge braver.
"Up until 25, I used to think about suicide. Most of us feel they are not good enough. Because I lost my father, there was this void... There were so many things happening.
"(But) that in a way made me more fearless. Death is a permanent thing for everyone. Since everything created has an expiry date, so why be afraid of anything?" Rahman told PTI.
The turnaround for the 51-year-old composer came when he built his recording studio Panchathan Record Inn in his backyard in hometown Chennai.
"Before that, things were dormant so may be it (the feeling) manifested then. Because of my father's death and the way he was working, I didn't do many movies. I got 35 movies and I did two.
"Everyone wondered 'How are you going to survive? You have everything, grab it.' I was 25 then. I couldn't do that. It's like eating everything. You become numb. So even if you eat small meals, make it fulfilling," he adds.
The composer talks about hard times and other events in his life in "Notes of a Dream: The Authorized Biography of AR Rahman".
Written by author Krishna Trilok, the biography, in association with Landmark and Penguin Random House, was launched here, Saturday.
Rahman was nine when his father RK Shekhar, who was film-score composer, passed away and the family had to rent out his musical equipment to get by. Rahman, thus, took to music at a very young age.
"I finished everything between the age of 12 to 22. It was boring for me to do all the normal stuff. I didn't want to do it," he says.
In his 20s, before he made his debut as a composer with Mani Ratnam's "Roja" (1992), Rahman along with his family embraced Sufi Islam.
He reinvented himself by letting go not only the baggage from the past, but also his birth name - Dileep Kumar, which he says, he despised.
"I never liked my original name Dileep Kumar. I don't even know why I hated it. I felt it didn't match my personality. I wanted to become another person. I felt like that would define and change my whole (being). I wanted to get rid of all the past luggage," he says.
With "Roja", Rahman shot to instant fame as the wonder kid in the industry, who changed the grammar of music and sounds.
But creating music is not a lonely process for the musician as much as it is "internal".
"You manifest who you are and let it out. So when you are ideating on your mental drawing book, you need a lot of self-analysis and you have to dive deep within you.
"You need to listen to yourself. It's hard to listen to your inner side. But once you do, you have to let lose and forget yourself," he adds.
It was for this reason, Rahman says, that he works only during late nights or early mornings.
"If I am going deep inside something and suddenly there's a knock on the door, I'll come to reality from a very different world and I won't be able to go back to the same spot again. This is one of the reasons I prefer (being at work) very early mornings like 5 AM or 6 AM or the nights," he says.
Rahman says the most important thing for him is not to feel bored and constantly try to do something new; be it professionally or personally.
"You feel jaded if you do the same thing. You need to find different things to do. For me travelling, parenting and spending time with my family though I can't do that much is beautiful. It helps a lot."
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If Rohit is not playing in first Test, Bumrah should captain India for entire Aus tour: Gavaskar
New Delhi: The legendary Sunil Gavaskar on Monday said that if India captain Rohit Sharma is not playing in the first Test against Australia in the upcoming marquee series, then Jasprit Bumrah should lead the side for the entire tour Down Under.
He said Rohit, whenever he comes in, should participate in the series only as a player.
The Australia tour for the Border-Gavaskar Trophy begins on November 22 in Perth, and Rohit is likely to miss the first match as his wife is expecting their second child. He is expected to join the team from the second game of the series.
Rohit is, however, not sure about the schedule yet.
In the absence of Rohit, Bumrah is likely to captain the team in Perth.
"It is important for the captain to play the first Test match. It's different if he is injured, but if he is not available, then the deputy leader will be under a lot of pressure," Gavaskar said on Sports Tak.
"I have been reading that Rohit Sharma might not play the first two Tests of the Australia series. I feel that, in that case the selection committee should appoint Jasprit Bumrah the captain of the side for the entire Australia tour, and tell Rohit Sharma that you will participate as a player in this series. For the first Test match, Rohit Sharma has to be there."
Rohit has been in terrible form of late as he has scored less than 100 runs in the three Tests against New Zealand at home.
The Indian team needs four wins from the five Tests in Australia to qualify for the World Test Championship Final.
Gavaskar said India cannot qualify for the WTC final from here.
"No, I don't. I actually dont. India cannot beat Australia 4-0 in the Test series. I'd be very, very I'd be over the moon. If they do that, I would be over the moon if they do that. But 4-0.
"India can win 3-1, 4-0 is... don't talk about the World Test Championship final. Now just focus on trying to win the series in Australia. Never mind whether you win 1-0, 2-0, 3-0, 3-1, 2-1. But go and win. Because that is how all of us Indian cricket fans are going to be back to feeling good again," Gavaskar said.
Asked if the clock is ticking for Rohit and Virat Kohli, he said, "It's ticking for everybody. It's not just them. But, because they are in their 30s, mid-30s, it will be tougher for them than the guys in the early 20s or early 30s.
"But the clock is ticking for everybody. Which is why I say, the more you are playing, the more you will be prepared to meet the demands of modern-day cricket.
"Totally understandable . This is one of those rare series where both of them have not been able to score runs. Don't forget, Kohli got a 70 in the second innings in Bengaluru. It's just one of those rarities where both these stalwarts have not been able to make significant contributions," he added.
He said a bad patch happens with everyone and how the player comes back from that phase will tell how good he is.
"What we are going to see in Australia is really going to be interesting. What we are going to see in Australia will determine the future of the Test team.
"Definitely yes. If they don't score runs in Australia, there will be a clamour for a new-look Indian team to start from the tour of England," he added.
Asked to review Gautam Gambhir's brief stint as the head coach, Gavaskar said the numbers tell the story.
"The results speak for themselves. Even in Sri Lanka, India lost an ODI series after a long time. And now here, it's a loss, it's a terrible loss. So, I think the results speak for themselves," he said.
