Had suicidal thoughts till 25 years of age, says AR Rahman
Mumbai, Nov 4 : Before the country recognised the talent of AR Rahman, the celebrated composer says there was a phase in his life where he felt like a failure and thought about ending his life almost every day.
The Oscar-winning composer says the initial low phase of his career eventually helped him emerge braver.
"Up until 25, I used to think about suicide. Most of us feel they are not good enough. Because I lost my father, there was this void... There were so many things happening.
"(But) that in a way made me more fearless. Death is a permanent thing for everyone. Since everything created has an expiry date, so why be afraid of anything?" Rahman told PTI.
The turnaround for the 51-year-old composer came when he built his recording studio Panchathan Record Inn in his backyard in hometown Chennai.
"Before that, things were dormant so may be it (the feeling) manifested then. Because of my father's death and the way he was working, I didn't do many movies. I got 35 movies and I did two.
"Everyone wondered 'How are you going to survive? You have everything, grab it.' I was 25 then. I couldn't do that. It's like eating everything. You become numb. So even if you eat small meals, make it fulfilling," he adds.
The composer talks about hard times and other events in his life in "Notes of a Dream: The Authorized Biography of AR Rahman".
Written by author Krishna Trilok, the biography, in association with Landmark and Penguin Random House, was launched here, Saturday.
Rahman was nine when his father RK Shekhar, who was film-score composer, passed away and the family had to rent out his musical equipment to get by. Rahman, thus, took to music at a very young age.
"I finished everything between the age of 12 to 22. It was boring for me to do all the normal stuff. I didn't want to do it," he says.
In his 20s, before he made his debut as a composer with Mani Ratnam's "Roja" (1992), Rahman along with his family embraced Sufi Islam.
He reinvented himself by letting go not only the baggage from the past, but also his birth name - Dileep Kumar, which he says, he despised.
"I never liked my original name Dileep Kumar. I don't even know why I hated it. I felt it didn't match my personality. I wanted to become another person. I felt like that would define and change my whole (being). I wanted to get rid of all the past luggage," he says.
With "Roja", Rahman shot to instant fame as the wonder kid in the industry, who changed the grammar of music and sounds.
But creating music is not a lonely process for the musician as much as it is "internal".
"You manifest who you are and let it out. So when you are ideating on your mental drawing book, you need a lot of self-analysis and you have to dive deep within you.
"You need to listen to yourself. It's hard to listen to your inner side. But once you do, you have to let lose and forget yourself," he adds.
It was for this reason, Rahman says, that he works only during late nights or early mornings.
"If I am going deep inside something and suddenly there's a knock on the door, I'll come to reality from a very different world and I won't be able to go back to the same spot again. This is one of the reasons I prefer (being at work) very early mornings like 5 AM or 6 AM or the nights," he says.
Rahman says the most important thing for him is not to feel bored and constantly try to do something new; be it professionally or personally.
"You feel jaded if you do the same thing. You need to find different things to do. For me travelling, parenting and spending time with my family though I can't do that much is beautiful. It helps a lot."
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MP HC sets up judicial commission to probe water contamination in Indore
Indore (PTI): The Indore bench of Madhya Pradesh High Court on Tuesday set up a commission of inquiry comprising a former HC judge to probe the issue of water contamination in city's Bhagirathpura, saying the matter requires probe by an independent, credible authority and "urgent judicial scrutiny".
It also directed the commission to submit an interim report after four weeks from the date of commencement of proceedings.
A division bench of Justices Vijay Kumar Shukla and Alok Awasthi constituted the commission while hearing several public interest litigations (PILs) filed simultaneously regarding the deaths of several people in Bhagirathpura due to the consumption of contaminated water.
The HC reserved the order after hearing all the parties during the day, and released it late at night.
The state government on Tuesday told the HC that the deaths of 16 people in Indore's Bhagirathpura area was possibly linked to a month-long outbreak of vomiting and diarrhoea caused by contaminated drinking water.
The government presented an audit report of 23 deaths from the current gastroenteritis epidemic in Bhagirathpura before the bench, suggesting that 16 of these fatalities may have been linked to the outbreak of vomiting and diarrhoea caused by contaminated drinking water.
The report, prepared by a committee of five experts from the city's Government Mahatma Gandhi Memorial Medical College, stated that the deaths of four people in Bhagirathpura were unrelated to the outbreak, while no conclusion could be reached regarding the cause of death of three other people in the area.
During the hearing, the high court sought to know from the state government the scientific basis behind its report.
The division bench also expressed surprise at the state government's use of the term "verbal autopsy" in relation to the report, sarcastically stating that it had heard the term for the first time.
The HC expressed concern over the Bhagirathpura case, stating that the situation was "alarming," and noted that cases of people falling ill due to contaminated drinking water have also been reported in Mhow, near Indore.
In its order, the HC said the serious issue concerning contamination of the drinking water supply in Bhagirathpura area allegedly resulted in widespread health hazards to residents, including children and elderly persons.
According to the petitioners and media reports, death toll is about 30 till today, but the report depicts only 16 without any basis or record, it said.
It is averred that sewage mixing, leakage in the pipeline, and failure of civic authorities to maintain potable water standards have led to the outbreak of water-borne diseases. Photographs, medical reports, and complaints submitted to the authorities prima facie indicate a matter requiring urgent judicial scrutiny, the HC said.
"Considering the gravity of the allegation and affecting the right to life under Article 21 of the Constitution of India and the need for an independent fact-finding exercise, the Court is of the opinion that the matter requires investigation by an independent, credible authority," it said.
"Accordingly, we appoint Justice Sushil Kumar Gupta, former judge of the Madhya Pradesh High Court, a one-man commission of inquiry into the issues relating to water contamination in Bhagirathpura, Indore, and its impact on other areas of the city," the HC added.
As per the order, the commission shall inquire into and submit a report on the cause of contamination -- whether the drinking water supplied to Bhagirathpura was contaminated; and the source and nature of contamination (sewage ingress, industrial discharge, pipeline damage etc).
The panel will also probe the number of actual deaths of affected residents on account of contaminated water; find out the nature of disease reported and adequacy of medical response and preventive measures; suggest immediate steps required to ensure safe drinking water as well as long-term infrastructural and monitoring reforms.
It will also identify and fix responsibility upon the officers and officials found prima facie responsible for the Bhagirathpura water contamination incident, and suggest guidelines for compensation to affected residents, particularly vulnerable sections.
The commission shall have powers of a civil court for the purpose of summoning officials and witnesses; calling up records from the government department, hospitals, laboratories and civic bodies; ordering water quality testing through accredited laboratories; conducting spot inspections.
All state authorities involving district administration, Indore Municipal Corporation, public health engineering department and Madhya Pradesh Pollution Control Board shall extend full co-operation and provide records as sought by the commission, it said.
The state government shall provide office space, staff, and logistical support to the commission, it said.
During the hearing in the day, the state government also presented a status report to the court in this matter.
According to reports, a total of 454 patients were admitted to local hospitals during the vomiting and diarrhea outbreak, of whom 441 have been discharged after treatment, and 11 are currently hospitalised.
According to officials, due to a leak in the municipal drinking water pipeline in Bhagirathpura, sewage from a toilet was also mixed in the water.
